Pain- I like it rough..

Tra-la-la...

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 07:17:37 GMT

... Who doesn't love this song? >.<

[Chorus]
Oh where oh where can my baby be
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven soI got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world

We were out on a date in my daddy's car
We hadn't driven very far
There in the road straight up ahead
A car was stalled the engine was dead
I couldn't stop so I swerved to the right
I'll never forget the sound that night
The screaming tires the busting glass
The painful scream that I heard last

[Chorus]

When I woke up the rain was pouring down
There were people standing all around
Somethign warm flowing through my eyes
But somehow I found my baby that night
I lifted her head she looked at me and said
Hold me darling just a little while
I held her close I kissed her our last kiss
I found the love that I knew i have missed
Well now she's gone even though I hold her tight
I lost my love my life that night

[Chorus]

Woh (x4)
Ohh (x4)

... It reminds me of my grandpa, 'cause it'd always come on in his truck when we were on our way to the movie store to rent movies.

Bleh,

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 02:37:28 GMT

... The desire to throw myself off of something very high finally went away.
Mostly because I think it'd be gross when I went SQUISH.
So not the point.

They're letting me fix my articles. Said they understand, and next time I'm feeling so stressed, just to stop and talk to them. Or someone.
They're pleased that I readressed the situation, though.
The situation that I haven't written about and probably won't. It was stressful, and it hurt to realize how far off track I was. It's still stressful.
Hopefully it'll be over soon. I don't care how.

Getting my hair cut tomorrow. Elliot Reed-ish. ... I love Scrubs.
Dr. Cox makes me want him, just a little. :/ And J.D.

...

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 02:43:29 GMT

I feel... I can't even put into words how I feel right now. ._. It's not good.

Anyway. Finished the psychology powerpoint presentation barely in time today. Didn't have to go, so we're cleaning it up a bit and making it look nicer.
Another conversation with the excitable Leah at lunch today about, uh, relationships and stuff. Impressed with the fact that I've been, according to her, "brave enough to experiment."
Leah: So, wait, you're straight now or...?
Me: Yep. Pretty much.
She was kind of fascinated with the whole thing. I think /she/ wants to do it. ... She's so funny.

... Then the day went downhill.
Fucking depressed.
I can't even bring myself to talk about it yet. I just can't believe I let myself get that far, that bad. I hadn't realized it. And /this/ brought it to my attention. Not in a good way. I'm so upset, with myself, and the whole situation.
AQT was a brief distraction. But... Not long enough. I don't know if I can do the school-thing tomorrow. ... As pathetic as that sounds.
I Feel Pathetic.

PS- Experiment isn't the right word. I dunno what is. ... Pick something that means the same, but not as, uh. Whatever.

Gobble, gobble.

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 03:29:45 GMT

Thanksgiving. <3 A day worth not much else other than decent food. Don't deny it, everyone thinks the same thing.

I woke up today and didn't really feel like going with the rest of the family... Which ended up making my mother cry, and I can't stand it when people do that, and I'm secretly a big pushover so... I gave in, and I went.

My aunt made it all worth it, pretty much. It must be my mom's side of the family in me. But my aunt offered me a margarita. ... And, despite the fact that they weren't made extraordinarily well, I accepted. And it was good. And I had like... Three or four. That made the entire day okay.

I could deal with the crazy. The crazy drunk uncle that started drinking whiskey (turkey or something) around noon, at the latest. The aunt that randomly flipped out over small things. ... Their arguing that ensued. The children that I don't really like. My mother's bit of... Crazy tipsy drinking and her clinging over Brian. ... It was all okay.

After a yummy dinner (I do love sweet potatoes...), we played darts. Yes, oh yes, darts. How does my family spend their Thanksgiving? Drinking, dinner, and darts. The three D's, I guess.

It wasn't all that bad.

...

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 02:20:30 GMT

Geeze.

I usually ramble about things that bother me in here, but it's kind of not possible right now to talk about what's really bothering me at the moment. ... I don't want certain specific people to read it. :/

Why not make it private, right?

... Because private entries are silly and I don't like them so much. ._.

Hmm...

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 01:02:13 GMT

So, I dunno. I'm in a rare mood. Well, it's rare anymore.

I want to be cuddled.
I want to be kissed.
And licked, and bitten, and scratched.
*shrug*
Sex almost sounds good right now.

x__x

.... Eh.

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 02:09:28 GMT

I just... Eh. I'm so... I dunno.

I dunno what to do.

*shrug*

Heh, admire the little fox. He's cute.

cackle

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 02:07:29 GMT

Fabulous day today. I won't lie, it really was. Aside from everything NOT sucking, especially now that I've managed to completely tune out the retards in A&P and accomplish something in that class, it was... Just good.

I GOT A HUG FROM JEFF PERDUE.

Why is this important? because it's Jeff-freaking-Perdue, that's why. He's pretty much one of my heroes.

And then I had layout after school, so I sat around with my Editor-in-Chief and chatted... She mentioned how there'd been a bit of drama, what with people not being happy with her having been chosen to be that particular Editor. Personally, I'm glad she got the position (because I didn't apply xDD) because I couldn't see anyone else who applied handling it as well as her.

And then she stroked my ego a bit when she told me that I was pretty much the best writer on the staff. ;D Hmm... Does she say that to everyone, or is it just me?

Pff, I don't care. I got complimented.

KAYLA.

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 01:47:25 GMT

....

Just so everyone knows.

I'd so do Kayla.

kthnks.

...;

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 03:24:23 GMT

I'm sort of annoyed... About as annoyed as I ever get anyway.

Mom's projecting on me. She went out with an older guy and got pregnant at sixteen, so obviously that's what I'm going to do too. Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I have pretty decent morals and values. And manparts kind of gross me out still. ... All parts do, but that's not the point.

She's reluctant to let me go out tomorrow. I don't do anything any other time, and the one time I would like to do something, she doesn't really want me to. I'm not cool with that. I really don't want to suffer because of her mistakes (even if, technically, that would include me).

I can't stand how parents project on their children. I understand that maybe they're afraid for them and concerned, which is great. But that shouldn't stop them from being allowed out to make some of their own mistakes and have their own experiences.

... And Joe's not a bad guy. ._.

New quiz...

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 02:45:13 GMT

My Personality


Neuroticism	37
Extraversion	35
Openness To Experience	93
Agreeableness	9
Conscientiousness	8

Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report
Find your soulmate / pysch twin

Friendster, MySpace Quizzes and MySpace Layouts by Pulseware Survey Software

Whoo. <3

....

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 02:12:00 GMT

So I'm getting all icked out by people again. Yeah, I don't like anyone. x.< They all annoy me. I'm done with them.

... Most of them. I'm good with Nikki. Caitlyn too. And, uh. ... I swear there's a few more. Whatever.

I'll be done not liking anyone in a week or so.

cesarmilanWTF

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 00:55:01 GMT

So, I can't stand Cear Milan. I just can't. I don't think the man's a god, I'm not one of his mindless zombie followers. I don't completely disagree with all of his methods- yes, some of the things he has said do make sense. BUT NOT ALL OF THEM.

Alpha rolling your dog isn't a good idea. Forcibly exercising them to exhaustion probably isn't the greatest thing anyone could do. Training them with little to no reward and by simply asserting your dominance over them... Well, I don't like it. *shrug* His methods, if varied considerably, could be okay. But taking them as is isn't.

Well, last night as I was starting to get offline, a friend mentioned that she was watching his show. Though I should have known better as we disagree on just about everything, I let it slip that I don't care for the man. I get a reply similar to, "What? He's like a dog legend."
And then I went on to say that I don't care for his methods and the psychological damage that can result from his methods...
And she says, "Well, I really respect the man and I plan on using his methods on all of my dogs. In fact, I hope to study with him some day."
Me: ... ohgawd. *headdesk*
So, I, of course, have to get into my mini-rant about how it's wrong the way he forces the dogs to confront their fears in such a direct manner and the way he trains with little rewards or affection... She tells me she doesn't see what's wrong with making a dog face his fear, etc, etc.

... NO. CESAR ISN'T A GOD, PEOPLE. His methods might not be that great for all dogs. He's not always right. He's not issuing advice that would be suitable for every dog. It says right before the shows come on that his methods shouldn't be attempted without consulting a trainer. How many people really consider that?
Not too many, I'm willing to bet.

Things I wrote to Sarah when she signed off;

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 01:21:17 GMT

Shentera signed off at 9:17 P.M.
Draziign [9:17 P.M.]: I hope you fall into a ditch.
Draziign [9:17 P.M.]: I hope your mother nags your head off.
Draziign [9:17 P.M.]: I hope she never leaves you alone.
Draziign [9:18 P.M.]: You'll live with her forever and be forced to take care of her when she's a naggy old woman because you're not independent enough to move out now.
Draziign [9:18 P.M.]: You're twenty-one. Come on now, really.
Draziign [9:18 P.M.]: Cut the leash yourself.
Draziign [9:19 P.M.]: I hate you. You really make me sick sometimes.
Draziign [9:19 P.M.]: I hate myself even more for being so dependent on you. I don't know why I am. The thought of having to put effort into a real social life makes me nauseous. I use you as a fallback because I don't know what else to do.
Draziign [9:20 P.M.]: I'm dying to really say these things to you, but I know I never will, so I'll just continue to do it this way because it makes me feel better.

... I'm a great friend, aren't I?

Fla-la...

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 01:50:43 GMT

I haven't updated in nearly forever. :/ I dunno. I just haven't had much to say. Stuff's happened.

School started... That's always pretty exciting. :P I enjoy it because I'm a dork. And it gives me something to do during the day rather than just sit around.

Oh, and my sister broke my phone. ... bitch. I might've hit her for it. A lot.

Liam and Gertie are lovelies, of course. They've been excellent. I switched them to a better food than what they were eating, and I'm thrilled. x3

<33

...

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 03:14:41 GMT

You know how sometimes, you're just irrationally annoyed with people for no other reason than the fact that they exist? Or that they're there when you want to be left alone? Or because you just really don't want to talk to them? Or you're just plain sick of them?

... Yeah.

Nearly everyone's on that list right now.

Driving.

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 02:45:21 GMT

... I drove today for the first time on an actual road. Brian let me drive his van to the gas station. He never lets anyone drive his vehicles, so, yes, I felt privileged. It's a way huge difference, going from driving between schools in school parking lots at 25mph to driving on curvy country roads at 55mph. I might've freaked, just a little bit.
Started out kind of sucky, but with Brian's constant 'helpful suggestions'... I guess I improved. At any rate, I was passed by a minivan (is it just me, or are all minivan drivers at least a little bit angry? o_O Perhaps it's because they're driving a minivan. I mean, heck, that'd be enough to make me angry...), made one rather iffy traffic violation because I didn't like where Brian was directing me, and Brian leapt for the steering wheel once (so unnecessary...).

Heh, Brian mentioned driving on the freeway soon. ;3

.....

Torey's Past Lives

1825 BC: An Emperor's Bitch

39 AD: A pirate

1789 AD: A gangster

'What were you in your past lives?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Tweedle-dee.

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 02:27:08 GMT

I haven't updated in a while. o.o It happens. But, really, who reads this? Psh.

I've spent way so much time with Kaila lately. It's crazy. She was at my house for nearly an entire week. And then I was at hers for an entire week right after. x_X; She just spent the past weekend here as well. ... She hurt her foot, her back, was sunburned, and fell and hit her nose against the bathroom sink.

Geeze. It's a wonder that her mother doesn't think I beat her when she comes over. ... whichidon't, really. shh.

OH,OH. And my mom fell down the steps. >.> Well, just four. *grin* She was a little drunk at the time, even though she won't admit it. Everyone that was here knows differently, though. She sprained her ankle.

So... Since mom sprained her ankle, I've taken up all the household chores. ._. I cook, I clean, I do it all. I get no help. And yes, it makes me whiney. I mean, people occasionally will pitch in with a tiny something, and then I feel bad about complaining. Though I guess I shouldn't. Because that something doesn't contribute all that much. It's the little things like that, I think, that makes me ohsonotallthatfond of the idea of the whole... Family stuff.

Anyway. ._o There's been more mention of Tommy, official sperm donor. Well, actually, I had to bring it up because I hadn't heard anything about it in a couple of weeks. I'm not especially eager to meet him, but I was curious as to whether or not his interest in me was just peaked temporarily and then dissipated. But... Apparently, no. He apparently called my mom today, which she probably wouldn't have mentioned had I not asked about him.
He irks her, badly... I understand. He did bad things to her, and just hearing his voice brings back those memories. She wanted to just give me his number and let me deal with the whole thing... And I had to explain to her that I wasn't comfortable doing that, that I had never talked to him before, and I wanted her support. She finally gave in, and agreed to set up a meeting for me. *shrug* She won't be there, but it's enough.

... Still waiting to get back into therapy. Skipped one appointment and haven't been able to make it up since.
And to send Sarah's gift. Eh.

Mlleeeh.

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 02:27:10 GMT

Saw Kaila this weekend. She stayed over an entire five days. We split the time between my grandma's and my mom's. Definitely more fun at my mom's house, though while at my grandma's we went out and saw a movie and bought Life, the silly absolutely ridiculous board game that I might just like a little bit.
... We played Life like 437483 times. I did eventually get sick of it.
But, no, it was a good weekend really.

Kaila looks like a cross-eyed fish in bed.

Anyway. Other than that... I dunno.
Summer just depresses me. I'm stuck here, at my grandparent's house, and I can't really drive on my own yet. It drives me crazy. I become moody, pessimistic, and a real bitch (more than usual). I feel so damn alone and it kills me. No one wants to help me get a job, or take me to driving school, or anything like that because it might be an inconvenience for them. I hate it. I hate them.
And then there's feelings, confused feelings. I dunno. I struggle with things sometimes, things that I don't even feel comfortable talking about with my psychologist. *shrug* It bothers me...
I go to see my doctor tomorrow, so I'll get to talk to her a bit. That usually helps some and I usually feel a little bit better. So I'm kind of looking forward to that.
And then on Thursday there's dinner with Tommy (bio-dad). I dunno how I feel about that. Still kind of indifferent, but mildly curious.
I guess I'll spend the night afterwards with my mom, as I'm spending the weekend with my brother while she and Brian go on whatever little trip they planned. I don't mind. I like spending weekends alone, honestly. Which sounds silly, but it's a different kind of alone than just being alone with nothing to do. At least I get to look forward to someone coming back, and it's kind of... I don't know. It's an exciting thing being left alone in charge for a weekend. It's not the same as being alone with no one to talk to day after day after day...
Oh well.

Laaa...

Wed, 31 May 2006 02:29:08 GMT

Find your own pose!

Mhm.

Hmm...

Tue, 30 May 2006 01:04:23 GMT

So... I went to visit my mom today. We went to the beach. It was, of course, interesting. Mostly only because it was East Fork. There was a mix of rednecks and Mexicans, a sort of most unlikely mixture. I love them both dearly. But I won't lie, it was humorous. East Fork is the sort of place that... No matter how bad you're feeling about yourself that particular day, there's always someone else there that makes you feel waaay better about yourself.
Some people just should not wear swim suits, I'm sorry.

Anyway, mom's been wanting to talk to me for a while now, and she finally did. I'd already guessed what it was about. My real dad.
... Maybe "dad" isn't the best word. How about my "sperm donor." I'm not comfortable calling him my dad. It feels too much like I'm betraying the man that raised me for twelve years of my life.
I digress. So, she wanted to talk to me about my real dad. Well, he apparently resurfaced quite recently and has been harassing her with phone calls every day since asking to see me. You know, after like fourteen years of not seeing me.

Am I okay with this?

Sure, I guess. I mean, I can't say I felt anything either way when she told me. Then she filled me in a little more...
It turns out that he owns his own company. So, well, at least he's been doing something with his life and isn't the loser I'd always imagined (and secretly hoped?) that he'd be.
He lives with some woman. So, oh, okay...
I have two sisters that I've never known about. ... Say what?
Yeah, I have two additional siblings added to the two that I've already got. Uh huh...
One's eight. Her name's Madison or something and she lives with dear old sperm donor and his woman.
Oh, and the other's four months older than me. So... The man was apparently quite busy around the time that I was born.

Maybe I'm really not open to giving him a chance. I don't know. Supposedly he's grown up. That's fine and dandy... As long as he really has.

I've agreed to lunch with him this weekend. We'll see how it goes.
The worst thing? I don't like him and I choose never to see him again.
*shrug*

....

Tue, 23 May 2006 02:42:53 GMT

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality

According to my answers, it is likely that I identify as
Sequential bisexual.

Complete set of results

Sequential bisexual:		5
Concurrent bisexual:		4
Heterosexual with some homosexuality:		4
Past heterosexual, currently homosexual:		2
Homosexual with some heterosexuality:		1
Asexual:		0
Heterosexual:		0
Homosexual:		0
Past homosexual, currently heterosexual:		0

Information

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was devised by Larry Kurdek, B. Berkey and T. Perelman-Hall. It is an extension of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, recognising that sexual identities can change over time, people can identify with more than one sexual identity, and that asexuality is a valid sexual identity. The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was published in the "Journal of Homosexuality" in 1990.

Take the quiz

Two updates in one day? Crazy!

Sun, 21 May 2006 03:05:07 GMT

[1] I listen to Dashboard Confessional
[2] I have cried myself to sleep
[3]I have woken up crying
[ ] have cried over an ex
[ ] i have cried in a corner
[4] I have cried next to a window
[ ] I own a billion sweaters
[5] I own an argyle sweater
[6] almost NONE of them fit properly
[7] i wear chick pants (well.. i am a chick...)
[8] I wear eyeliner
[9] my eyeliner is black...and ONLY black
[ ] My friend gave me eyeliner for Christmas
[ ] I cried out of joy when I got that eyeliner
[ ] I have all 12 myspace pictures
[ ] most of them are of my head in wierd lighting, are black and white or are of me in weird hats/fancy clothes
[10] i.type.like.this.sometimes
[ ] I've written songs about a breakup
[ ] I still cry when I read the lyrics
[ ] I play guitar
[ ] It's almost ALWAYS acoustic
[ ] I keep a dream journal
[11] I have at least one stuffed animal on my bed at all times
[ ] I change my default pic often
[ ] I would NEVER step foot into Hot Topic
[12] I paid for my cell phone ringer
[ ] I cry every time I hear it, bc its one of my favorite songs
[ ] I dont personally know 99.99999 percent of my myspace friends
[13] Nobody understands the real me
[14] I have dyed my hair black, blue or deep red
[15] I am a straightedge
[ ] I dont hang out with non-edges
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my haircolor
[ ] Real punks tend to beat me up alot
[ ] I am a camera Whore
[ ] I love to have girls do my hair and make-up
[ ] There is a phrase such as "music is my boyfriend" on my myspace
[16] i love to give and recieve hugs
[17] i hate germs (no - i love germs...wtf?)
[18] I have been to a therapist
[19] It was because my mom didnt understand me
[20] I am self-concious all the time
[ ] like the way I look when Im crying
[21] I dont do sports.
[ ] I just stand around during Punk/Ska concerts
[ ] I cant skank
[22] I have borrowed clothing from a member of the opposite sex before
[23] I know that Emo stands for emotional
[ ] I usually spend over an hour to get ready to leave my house
[ ] I only have like 5 billion hair products
[24] I am Gay or Bisexual
{ ] I spend so much time on myspace that I know HTML
[ ] One of my myspace pictures is of me crying
[ ] My best feature is my hair
[ ] My special talent is to be able to "emo flip" my hair
[ ] One of my myspace pictures is of me making a kissy face
[ ] I almost never spend more than two dollars on a shirt
[ ] I reapply my eyeliner up to 200 times a day
[25] I have wished I was never born
[26] "caring is creepy" means something to me
[ ] I know who that song is by
[ ] I just started listening to their cd
[ ] And now I'm crying
[27] I know that Sunny Day Real Estate is not a real estate agency
[ ] I have their cd
[28] Guys with mohawks are hot
[ ] I dislike animals which are bigger than me
[ ] This includes large dogs
[ ] I have never gotten a detention
[ ] Mostly because I cried my way out of it
[ ] My screen Name has X's in it
[ ] My Screen Name has the words bleed, tears, dream in it
[ ] My screen name has a combination of those words in it
[ ] I write my own poetry and songs
[ ] I never get around to putting a melody or chords to it though
[29] I have stayed home from school because I was depressed
[ ] Valentines day makes me think of how awful my life really is
[30] Black band t's
[ ] Saucony Shoes
[31] or Converse
[ ] in a color other than black?
[ ] In a bright color?
[32] messenger bag?
[33] adorned with pins?
[ ] patches?
[ ] kept on the bag with safety pins?
[34] I'm all about being vegetarian (... Working on it.)
[ ] I am friends with "peta2" on myspace
[ ] i check my myspace everyday
[ ] I can take any word and quote a song with that word in it
[ ] I say goodbye on the internet with one of these <3
[ ] I have sung "screaming infedelities"
[ ] I change my myspace constantly
[ ] I am welling up with tears

*grin* 34% emo anybody?
... peta2 is pretty much love, bytheway.

....

Sun, 21 May 2006 01:03:59 GMT

There's plenty I could write about. But I'd rather not. *shrug*

My mom has something she wants to talk to me about. She hasn't told me yet. I'm curious, but not really all that curious. We'll see.

... And I'm confused. About a lot of things.
I want to try new things. Heh.

So...

Wed, 17 May 2006 00:55:36 GMT

Jesus died and came back.

... He's a zombie? And that's why we hide our eggs from him.
You know, on Easter.

... Zombie worship. Hmm. That makes sense.

Pain- I like it rough..

Tra-la-la...

Bleh,

...

Gobble, gobble.

...

Hmm...

.... Eh.

*cackle*

KAYLA.

...;

New quiz...

....

cesarmilanWTF

Things I wrote to Sarah when she signed off;

Fla-la...

...

Driving.

Tweedle-dee.

Mlleeeh.

Laaa...

Hmm...

....

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality

Complete set of results

Information

Two updates in one day? Crazy!

....

So...

cackle